College of the Ozarks to Cement Position in Culture Wars

counter-protesting from the ivory tower

source: cofo.edu, photosopped by the author

by Joe Váradi

Point Lookout, MISSOURI — Following the announcement on Wednesday that the College of the Ozarks will no longer allow its sports teams to wear apparel manufactured by Nike in protest of the company’s recent television ad featuring Colin Kaepernick, the private Christian college in Missouri is reported to be considering further actions to cement its position of dissent toward all colored athletes past and present who take on progressive causes and rock the proverbial boat.

College of the Ozarks, private Christian school, drops Nike over Kaepernick ad

According to sources from within the administration, the college is also considering making the following modifications to its insignia:

• Removing the star from the school seal, which looks a bit like the logo of CONVERSE, the athletic footware manufacturer that famously signed endorsement deals with Julius “Dr. J” Erving and Earvin “Magic” Johnson, in the 1970s and 80s;
• Replacing the suspiciously ethnic-looking lantern — subliminally reminiscent of Shaquille O’Neal’s role as the genie in the 1996 film Kazaam — with a picture of an apple pie superimposed with a silhouette of an AR-15 rifle.

In related news, the school has generously offered use of its campus for the Netflix Ozark spinoff The Langmores Go To College.