I appreciate this, Rich. Not sure if you took note, this was a translation of a poem from my native tongue, written in the early 20th century (so that explains the colloquiality). Hence I was working within rigid boundaries of structure and phrasing.
I do a few dozen translations each year, treating it as a very rewarding mental puzzle, in this instance choosing a simple little ditty to exercise my chops through a bout of writer’s block. My goal wasn’t to dream up any new content, but to faithfully reconstruct the cadence and playful simplicity of what is basically a nursery rhyme, a string of trochee in ten lines.
For a more substantial, metaphor-laden translation I offer Autumn Trees. In return I will have a look at your published works.